★r e i l a (toychest_murder) wrote,
★r e i l a
toychest_murder

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You say sorry like the angel Heaven let me think was you...

After the binge drinking I did last night, with a not-so-pretty ending...

I've come to realize that I really, really need to do this.

Maybe the song will be a hint?



I gave everything, my all; I bleed and died, but still...I'm the bad guy? I was told that she calls you, even if it's to say goodnight, and you wanted me to do that, but where was the consideration for me when you disappeared to Denver? I worried that something had happened, that you were all right, only to be told via LiveJournal that you went there...you've never called me when you had the chance, never cared enough to do that, so why should I? I cried last night, and I'll admit it...not because I missed you, or that I still love you, because in all honesty, I don't. I cried because of how worthless I felt, worthless because I had given you my heart on a silver platter, and you just tossed it into the dirt because you wanted to fuck around. I don't know how many times you could have possibily cheated, but I finally realized...I deserve so much better. So many times, I've taken you back, and your fucking friend has the nerve to say that I didn't care enough? Who the Hell is she to judge me on something that is one-sided? Each and every time, I fell for those tears, the cries that were only used whenever you felt like I was slipping away or the possibility of getting over you was present. You kept me in your life as your safety net, and it wasn't until I realized that there's people so much better out there that I finally saw what I was to you. All you ever cared about was yourself, whether it was your feelings, your next fuck, or if you're getting the attention...I do respect you for taking care of your family, but how long will it be until you go back to your old self? For eight years, I've helped you through everything; I've given up friends, opportunities, and even family for you, but for what? You never did anything like that for me...you called me clingy once, and it hurt me...changed me, because I was already afraid of losing people because of that. Now, I can't get close to them without panicking about being suffocating. Maggie told me that you tear yourself apart for me, but how can that be when all you see in your life is you? How did it feel to be blown off, and forgotten like I have been for so long? You may be tearing yourself apart right now, but you know what? I've torn my heart open on numerous occassions for you, and I've given up so much...you refuse to see any of it. It's always about how you hurt, how much you've lost, and how much I've done to you...but I've never cheated, I've forgiven every mistake, accepted you for who you are, imperfections and all. I was never given the same opportunity, all because, in some twisted way, it wasn't good enough for you.

But now...I've moved on. From last night, I've realized I needed closure, and this is it. Even through the shit you've put me through, I'm not going to wish anything upon you, nor am I going to talk about you. You've lost your importance to me, just like Tim and 90% of the others have. In years to come, I'll be able to look back on this and smile, because even though the pain nearly threw me to the edge of my suicidal depression, it only made me stronger. I'll no longer wait around, to even be a friend, because you've showed me that it doesn't matter how long someone knows another person; they can easily be tossed aside when someone new steps into the picture. I won't cry anymore; I've done that enough, and I'm sick of wasting my tears on a relationship that had been doomed from the start. From this day forward, as my New Year's resolution, I promise that I'll no longer wish for what used to be, because it's only through the pain did I finally begin to find myself. I've met someone so much better, someone who's been pulling me through this bloody war between you and me, and who made me smile when I never thought I'd be able to. I never thought that I'd ever be able to care about someone again, but she proved me different...she's healing the wounds that you've carved, and I know that she and I are much more compatible than you and I will ever be. She understands what I'm going through, and she told me she's proud of me because of the shit I've survived last year...Unlike you, she returns what I give, and in the end...I can only hope you'll find someone to make it work with, because this time, I'm not turning back. We're done, and I've moved on. I wish you the best, even if it isn't something you deserve. Take care, and best wishes.

You didn't think I'd turn around and say, "It's too late to apologize."



Yes, like this.
reila 「れいら」
Tags: +life, -public, .relationships
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